Bare Assed Dogs With Harley Davidson Tattoos

BARE ASS DOGS:

I was talking on the phone the other night to my friend Libby. We were just tossing the bull, and a typical conversation on the outrageous flowed as it always does, we laughed and carried on as we usually do and had some fun. I rolled with the conversation and come what may, we moved to the arena of dog behavior and fashion accessories for our canine brothers and sisters in fur.

The subject of dogs comes up often because we both have them. The Dogs that is; we don't talk about the fashion end of things too often but explored that a little for a few laughs. Mostly, we talk about things like the animal's antics, quirks, and so on. Shedding hair is big right now. We came up with a few anecdotes for that.

After our conversation was over and shutting down the cell phone- i went a little further with that thought. I started cracking my own self up. That always draws the dog's attention. He's always up for a joke so i let him in on it. He started giggling then roared laughing at the thought, called it absurd and wanted to know where i come up with these thoughts. I told him it just pops in my head! He's got a great sense of humor and puts up with me.

I do that these days; laugh at myself that is . Crying over crap from the past and beating myself up over things i can't change is absurd. That behavior is a life energy depleting and self defeating pursuit. My dog here helped me with allot of that. He's brave, original, and has a great sense of humor. He sure is honest. No bullshit with the hound, right to the point, doesn't mince words either.

I write about him. His name is Elliot. He's got his own website. My friend Libby's two dogs don't have a website, but certainly deserve a spot their own I've met them. Libby and i both love our confidantes, our companions and best friends.

So anyway, in our phone conversation we we're yapping.. More likely i was.. My friend is a thinker - i try to do both at once. I find myself many times getting beyond my own, set- flapping speed,... which is fast, but not fast enough. I'm always a minute or two behind my racing thoughts , with the mouth.

I'm in two conversations simultaneously. One's in my head, a fantasy of scenes and characters set some time in the future or dragged from the past.. That scenery changes rapidly. Trying to stay in the present conversation can be tough... The here and now. The ones at the other end a phone become confused at times.

I get tripped up sometimes, but it makes for good conversation. I tend to skip around allot. That's where i saw a vision of dogs without fur [and people with it'!] it was a weird world. The dogs looked like those vicious transformed canines in Will Smith's movie, "I am Legend" [a remake of "The Omega Man" w/Charlton Heston]

Do you know the ones i mean_ the apocalypse dogs? The same nasty animals that bit Smiths German Shepherd named Sam. The brave girl was protecting him and got in the way. She had guts, throwing that interference. Dogs are good like that. It was sad though because she got the same disease the evil nighttime dogs had and Smith had to put her down.

Anyway,..

Those nasty new age dogs didn't have any fur, had gray skin instead. The people after this apocalyptic virus were just as screwed up. They were real strong through. The next evolutionary leap forward i suppose.

They were gray too and didn't grow hair anymore either. They were bald, no chest hair and I'm sure were Pubic-lly challenged also... couldn't see though. They had to wear 3 year old, ripped pants and shorts for the PG rating. I'm sure they didn't need the torn clothes except for maybe a lingering memory of another time.

If you've seen that movie of "Skin dogs" that's where i found myself. That's my vision world of hairless dogs.

It wasn't a pretty picture. We both laughed uneasily at the obscenity in nature because we knew it wasn't true. Libby and i both had seen the "I am Legend" toothy, gray skin wild dogs. The same ones on that future Manhattan Island with Will Smith. We were a little uneasy, i was anyway, and pretty sure she was too

That's how i pictured the hairless of dogs in my new world. Difference being, my dogs are still friendly, are pink skinned like baby pigs and rats and not gray.

Picture that! Every pedigree and mongrel now is without hair. Dachshunds, Basset hounds, Shepherds, Beagles, you name it, what a laugh. The hairless dog population would have to dwindle; people wouldn't buy them in such numbers anymore. Hell, they'd always be needing baths because they're closer to the dirt, and would probably get fussy over soap brands and deodorants.

And how about those "Shar Peis!" ... I think I’d have to turn my head, too weird, really freaky looking. All pink skin folds, like 'Jabba the Hutt', in "Star Wars."

Some would have freckles, moles, and warts revealed. Then there's the skin problems of adolescent dogs. Clearasil, and Oxy scrubs would have to be applied for those eruptions of shame. Older dogs would be needing moisturizing lotion for dry skin too.

I just couldn't see myself rubbing it on em. It would have be a nauseating experience for the likes of me.

Dog shows would be a riot. The grooming thing is gone mind you. It would now be tattoos. Can you see it, 'Dogs with tattoos' Ha! It would be one way to go to cover all that pink. Something like Harley Biker Dogs! Maybe the dogs could keep the hair on their head and under their arms... and pubes too. That would be a freaking riot.

Body piercing too. How many earrings in each floppy could my mongrel beagle here get? I've seen gals and guys with more stainless steel and silver in their faces and bodies than is absolutely necessary... Metal everywhere! ... But they like it. Dogs won't be any different. Folks, lets face it, the need to detract from the unsightly pink and cover it up would arise in the canines too.

Dogs and dog owners could get the same tattoos and jewelry. We’d come into an age of sharing the same earrings, nose rings, nipple, and ones worn to adorn their various sexual apparatus.

Tattoo and body piercing studios are gonna make a dammed fortune. I can see a lot of hung-over dogs waking up in the morning wishing they didn't drink all that tequila, and getting that motorcycle engine tattoo, or that, girl or guy's name inked on their asses.

And then there would arise skin flicks for dogs! The porn that will come out of all this will be sickening. All the hours the hounds will spend on the Internet visiting puppy porn sites. Probably be a lot of competition out there for the rankest pedigree and mongrel flicks.

The categories will shock us! Like flicks about Shepherds, Collies n Dobermans in line for a pass at pure heart Benji types. Our new world canines will be using our credit cards to sign up for live chat. The bills are gonna be, "Outrageous!"

How about magazines with fold outs. The news stands will be stacked with cheap and tasteless photo spreads. The dog will have em stuck between their box springs mattress. Magazine titles like "Play-pup " - "Barking Beaver " - "Bite-her Tail " and "Dog house "

Of course, we'll be getting friend requests on Facebook from all the, thinly disguised- hooker Lassies out there on the Internet. The young skin dogs, will be spending so much time on the Internet their grades will fall too. They'll start going blind too. Evangelist preacher types of dogs will condemn it and that'll make it that much more desirable. Measures will be taken for sure.

When dogs get into fights it's gonna take a few minutes to get ready. All the nose and ear gear has to come off first. Then, when the dog fight is over- all that re-upping of hardware and dirt to clean off. Dogs fight on the ground allot. The pink skin isn't made for rolling around in the dirt and on sharp things.

When the hair’s gone, things will change. We're stuck in the middle. Vet bills are gonna be enormous. The now painfully vain animals, will insist on plastic surgery. There will be a lot of flying to South America for cheap cosmetic surgery, and freckle or tail removal. I'm afraid many will turn to alcoholism and drug addiction. Tranquilizers will be prescribed by the doggy bag.

Gotta figure on a new wave of tail consciousness. They'd start lining up at the plastic surgeons office, the day after hair virus swept the globe, that appendage would look like an enormous rat tail and become an embarrassment. It would hurt much more slapping into door jams and walls, when their happy to see ya. It'd be for their own good really. We've already established the fact that armpit, pubic and head hair would be retained, right ?

Dogs will insist on more chains; silver or gold depending on the breed’s complexion. Its gonna be murder shopping for them at first. We'll be better off to give the hounds gift certificates for pedicures, tattoo parlors, beauticians and cosmetics. They'll need em. That's allota ugly to cover up.

I try not to buy jewelry for fussy gals. Dogs will be no different. Spiked collars never go out of style though. Makeup will have huge importance for sure. Clothes, perfume and after shave too will have huge impact on fragile Ego's.

Body hair will become an issue with the new dogs. Plucking, electrolysis, shaving armpits, fads, new hair styles for their heads, it's all in the cards. Some of the male dogs will have sleepy DNA and it'll erupt once in a while with hair on their backs and butts, chests too.

They will be few tho. Other hairless dogs will see em as throwbacks from way back. The veritable Neanderthals! They'll will be shunned and shamed into forced removal of the renegade feathers. Imagine, all the painful plucking with tweezers and innumerable hours of torture under a laser beam..

Dogs will still have whiskers as i see it. No hair on the ears though. Diamond studs, stars, moons, hoops, and pot leaves will detract from their icky pink ears. Rouge, eye shadow and lipstick too. Fake eyelashes will come out, colored wigs, and baseball caps. My mutt will be sneaking out for a night on the town with all my official Red Sox gear,. Guaranteed he'll be into my drawer.

Man. .. There are so many possibilities! Clothing lines for dogs will be a huge money maker for those "Avante Gard" clothes and fabric designers. If they're smart they'll be getting in on the ground floor. Ones with enough insight and imagination are going to make a bundle. The coming phobic behavior about being naked is gonna sweep the planet.

Laws will be passed. Dogs wont be allowed in parks unless properly attired. (Protecting children and all, do you know what i mean?) New sport and leisure suit lines will be coming out of Paris and New York. High profile dog models will strut down the cat walk. That's pretty funny ~ Dogs on a Catwalk.

My friend Libby, the gal who has dogs of her own, told me it was all too "Icky and Creepy!" I agreed. We’re praying that virus doesn't get off Manhattan Island in our lifetime. But if it does, after two generations of humans have passed on, skin dogs will be the norm to people. They will all laugh together when they see old photos of dogs with hair. They'll call 'Lassie' creepy, 'Rin Tin-Tin' will be censored as well as Jack London's books, "White Fang" and "Call of the Wild."

This conversation started with discussing the merits of fur over clothing and how lucky dogs were. We decided the dogs were less hung up than humans because they have no shame over naked bodies like people.

They have no hang-ups because nobody tells them they are naked... and they don't have Bibles either. Nobody to tell them, "Your still wearing that ole thing?" or "Cover yourself up! What's wrong with you - there's children present!"

They don't have the fear of overhearing "Did you see what she [he] was wearing tonight!" Dogs don't get hung up on all that absurd crap people get tripped up on.

One suit for the rest of your life! A suit that grows on you and renews itself. They don't worry about underarm hair or the new Gillette Trac 5 razors. Armpit, crotch, and foot odor don't affect them, In fact, its an attraction. They say hello with an exchange of crotch and butt smells on meeting.

They don't need jewelry or tattoos, rings or feminine hygiene products. Male enhancement never crosses their mind. Nope ...we can learn allot about what drives human behavior by watching these canines. Felines too, but that's another story. [Cats are a hell of a sight when they get shaved]

Look at the world through a well adjusted, dog’s eye. God help them if the virus hits and takes their feathers and leaves behind, only their head hair, whiskers, curly crotch and armpit hair. I'm afraid it'd be too much for me.

Personally, I'd prefer to see you with it. I'd rather be pulling it out of my mashed potatoes and ice cream, than having to take the dog here, shopping for an Easter outfit, underwear and cologne. I've got a ton of hang-ups as it is. This one might put me over the edge. Here's to all the hairy dogs in the world!

"Keep it please!"

Hairless Dogs..

“Pretty dammed funny if you ask me..”.

gregzaino Page 52/3/2012